THE HARD STOP :
I used to be attached to things, material items as I thought having the biggest house was the prize until
one day it just did not matter anymore.
I walked away from the concept that any item would bring me comfort
and if it did status? Did I really want that or those who need that in my life?
Some people have midlife crisis? I had life reconstruction with the death of my husband and nothing
"owned" would never mean anything to me again.
I sold my car thinking back on how I felt when I first bought it? I was not now who I was then, as the
memory blurs and I do not have the energy to try to remember it again.
I thought it repulsive to ramble about a big house I shared with someone dead, I took no comfort from anyone item and friends said "it would pass" , it never has.
How do you say that money has no value after telling someone of their worthlessness because they
are not wealthy ?
" money does not matter", he writes, and that is when I knew he had not a concept of his words
and how much he was capable of hurting others, he forgot all he said before? I found that ?
It would always be about him, for him, and make no difference what was said to me, or how heavy the hurt I carried started to be to heavy.
Do not tell the tale:
There were days in our home growing up when we had nothing to eat, and what was there was given to the little ones, and I watched my mum slide her dinner plate towards us, " gosh I just ate too much today, finish this please?", I put my hands in my lap, I felt tears of hatred burn behind my gold eyes for my the father, " the Catholic" who left us in such a drastic situation. I heard my mum's voice, " drop not your head at my dinner table Bonnielynn, the Lord provides and you shall be proud thankful", I nodded a kids acknowledgment but knew better. I asked to be excused, and as it was granted, I leaped up to kiss my mum,"I run mum", and as she hugged me tight, " be a good girl, stand tall, you are tiny enough".
I broke out the front door and ran down our street, in the farm country, my legs pounding the dirt road, I ran till I reached the stream that ran into the great pond where I would ice skate in the winter. I ran on to my Grandfather's farm, pushing myself and it was almost dark when I reached his backyard, he was there with his guard dogs and nightly fire. I ran straight up into his arms buried my head, his surprise as I took the air from his lungs, " Bonnielynn, girl its too dark to be running, what is this about?" He pulled me back to look into my face, and my Grandmother came out, " bumble bee" , with a coat and hot cider. The only father I knew of, held me as we sat by the fire, " you know I have to take you home right, your dear mother will worry girl and she has been through enough", I nodded, how could I tell him I just need security as my world fell around me. He drove me home in a farm truck which lied about his wealth, and walked me to the front door, my mum answered, and smiled, " hello sir good to see you ", he smiled at my mother, and one could tell he regarded her, " Delores I found this running around the corn fields" pushing me forward, I was all dirty from my run, and kissed my mum hello, standing behind her. My mum opened the door, " come in for coffee sir?", and my Grandfather waved his hand no, " Delores coffee this late? I won't sleep but thank you, are you alright? the kids?" my mother blushed, " yes thank you we are very well" and closed the screen door. She would never tell him a bad word against his son, and I her daughter never heard her speak against her drunkard husband, a finer woman there never was, and I am at times ashamed of how I fail her.
People say, " don't tell about how poor you were as a child they will use it against you", and this shocked me the first time I heard it, as the thought to lie never occurred to me. How could I lie as I had not the knowledge to back it up? I found their words true to life as he said to me: " I do not want any broke bitches around me" and "I am going to be a billionaire soon, I am only in it for the money", I felt my father's energy as those words were spoken, and I knew this game was just that, a game to hurt me.
So I ran:
I took a travel job and drove by the Salton Sea and felt a thousand lost dreams chase my car, unknown to those who once loved them, their images flipped and hung by the drivers window, then in a flash gone. I felt a werewolf was out in the desert looking to tear anyone to shreds. I should have said a prayer then, but did not get the connection of what was to come.
Can you out run love? I do not know, as so many emotions go through my heart, I know, I will always be " free lunch" to him, and my pride will not stand on that alone.
I said, " know I care deeply for you", he said only, " thank you", as if I handed him a cup of coffee, intentional challenge but I had my answer, I dressed for the night out, this game over.
Sometimes the free lunch at school was the only meal I had, and I was hungry so I let my pride go, but I am not that kid anymore. I hunger for his love, but I am not free lunch, I let go and sail away for the open seas.
The Salton Sea:
I checked into the Motel innocently ....
the desert is vast
she holds her demons
as I drive alongside the Salton Sea
I awake many who have many a tale to tell
Pray Bonnielynn, but this night I forgot
As the forgotten not loved in return who
died in a forlorn place come forward to tell me