SEE ME ANEW: POEM
When it is all you know:
Walking back from the high intensity spin class my clothing soaking under my sweater I looked up at the high rises thinking, " who knew the kid from poverty would live in the great land known as downtown Los Angeles", pulling my arms close around my body I stood in the middle of the side walk as a tourist might, yet I had lived here now for two years. The yell of some lost soul woke me from my daily amazement and I walked towards my building looking straight away with my long curls a mess, " good " I thought, " look a mess keep the unwanted attention away", my hands made fists ready to fight.
Entering my loft I removed my sneakers by pulling my feet out placing them in a row next to my nurse shoes, " by the Lord, I have myself created shoe town again", rubbing my cold hands together I promised to put away all my shoes lined up, and there were many. All the shoes had mates except one black high heel lone widow sandal as it's mate lost as I threw it at a man from the top level of a dance club, why? he asked me to so I obliged him rightly. Shoes bounce off a man's head and launch into never to be seen again land easily. Washing my hands I made tea, and moved towards the bathroom pulling off wet gym clothes to run the hot bath, I had put out great physical effort and felt my energy draining, soon to be asleep if not bothered by some new concept or interest. Sparky jumped to sit on the top of the closed toilet lid to hear of my day, as the very hot bath steamed I sipped tea, reading emails, feeling my body relax finally. I need to expend such energy or I cannot sleep, nor stop working. My Grandfather saw this in me when he had me run the miles of his farm, " run the day girl come back and tell me about it", as I would start out in the morning and only return in early sunset. A child that has parents who really see them are a Blessing.
I get it:
I left the hospital on Christmas eve night to find my car vandalized, smashed the drivers window and stolen the cheap radio, I shrugged, called security. I understand desperate acts of those who know no better not condoning it but holidays and hunger make people do desperate acts of crime. My heart prayed for the villains, " let them know goodness Dear Lord and take from me to to give their families, its OK", I was peaceful I thought " buy gifts for those you love with little you took from me". I know poverty does desperate things to people. The next day I prayed for them in church, I have nothing much but if it pays a bill and you must, I harbor no ill will, our dearest Lord will provide for me .
I decided and once I do no turning back, I tried so hard to make it work, but I know now it never will so I changed my position, after I prayed to our Dear Lord, and I know this is the way he showed me. Makes no matter what anyone says, I must move on, I know this to be true.
Its only exciting if one wants it .
Day comes and the none the regret:
I am drinking tea, as I think about how bad I make everyone feel but if I do not understand how can I not know? The phone rings, my family, I tell them not a thing, thinking shallow needs make a fool of you and me. I kept all the hurt I cause others because I am not ready, in my heart, till one day I will not.
Wait for it:
I used to volunteer to clean the rooms of the school but only because they had record players that I could listen too while I worked, to say that music was important ? Is like saying the beach is made of sand, and each day I sang, forgetting all that a child should, I was happiness defined. When are we too little to want things? To dream ? I have always been that ......dreaming .