The Fit:
I had to see a hand specialist because of an injury I had sustained while working as a nurse, I sat with my daughter in the examination room talking about silly surface topics trying to make the conversation light as I knew she was concerned.
The technician came in asking appropriate questions in reference to my injured hand, and instructed me to put my hands behind a device that would x-ray my hand, complying I did as instructed and a visual of my hand in bone display showed on the screen.
The technician gasp, " your hand has had every metacarpal bones broken ?" turning towards me , he asked ," let's take an xray of the other hand I know the surgeon will want one ", I did as instructed, to hear ," this hand is the same every metacarpal bones has been broken and not set well at !" he turned to look again at me asking, " it looks like both hands have been crushed at one time were you in a accident ?", I shook my head no, pulling my hand out of the machine, feeling my face turn red. My daughter 's stare intrusive but she said nothing , this quiet zone understood by all gave the technician the awkward permission to jet out of the room.
The hand surgeon entered shortly after, asked to see my injured hand, and asked, " I saw the x-rays, I will give you a hand guard to steady the hand, two weeks off work to rest it, OK?" I nodded he pressed, " do you want to tell me why your hands have the metacarpal bones at one time broken and healed improperly, do they hurt you now?" I could still feel my daughter's stare pressing me to answer. I kept my head down and spoke towards the floor . " I do not recall ", and stood , " are we done Sir?", the physician nodded his answer, I moved to exit never encouraging my daughter to follow, I felt exposed like a sinning thief.
Ask Me no Questions:
The drive home was silent as my daughter spoke, " you never tell us anything about your childhood, what happened mom?" , I sighed my response, " that is a story for another day Dolly Girl, let's get some ice cream", and that ended it right there as she knew better than to press me .
I will never speak of it , and if I did would it matter or change any of it, I will answer that, " no it would best to let that memory sleep a lifetime away", I was angry at myself for taking my daughter to the exam I should have thought more on it.
The unwanted:
I sat in the back of the class doing my work with precise detail, my left hand hurt terribly but I had grown used to ignoring it, as the memory of the kittens burned alive in a drum with the threat of the similar for my mum should I decide to tell anyone about my life. I was always hungry and gulped my food down at lunch like a prisoner, I shrugged, wasn't I after all. The kids were always found me easy prey as no one likes the poor kid, and on top of that I was a stranger to them, I had no past point of reference for them to connect with, I was young but I understood the importance of my position. I grew used to their name calling and harbored each one, and my glance told them much because soon that treatment ended with a cold quiet distance, I was good with that, growing used to being alone.
I spent my religious instruction working towards my First Communication diligently and studied my prayer handbook, keeping the cloth medallion on my person, it was St Michael the Archangel, Sister knew what she was doing in gifting it to me. We laughed together and I took comfort in the empty church as waited for the Sister as due to my school hours I arrived an hour early, I would stare at Jesus on the huge cross, looking at his harmed body I thought, " I am sorry Jesus they thought it righteous to harm you " , and I would yawn the big " going to sleep soon" yawn, placing my head on my hands formed as if to pray falling deeply asleep, waking to the cookies and milk.
I woke feeling as if I had slept for hours feeling strong, carrying my cup and plate to the Sisters office, holding the cup in my mouth so I could knock, lowering my head in respect as the door opened. I remember the warmth of the light of the office as it reached the top of my head, and such a warmth traveled through my body as if to wrap me in love.
I remembered love .
The Drop off:
I was playing " who could cross the wooden bridge with the least jumps" , and suddenly my left leg broke through one of the wood planks tearing my knee in a jagged gash that exposed the bone. I was pulled from the hole with a yank , as I tried to stand I saw the gash, with funny looking white things exposed, I was going into shock as my leg could not bear my weight. The kids ran as I fell fearful as the bus just then pulled in to pick us up, I felt the bus driver pick me up, " what has happened Bonnielynn?" , he looked at my leg , I saw his fear, feeling weird hot weak, I mumbled, " they will beat me for this", and he said " what?!", and carried me to the Foster Care place. He reached the place I never once called home, knocking on the screen door, the woman answered, the bus driver explained, " she needs to go to a hospital right away, I would but I have a bus load of kids", the woman's fake nice voice moved forward towards our ears, " oh my we shall care for the poor child " reaching out her arms to take me into her dark. The bus driver handed my tired injured body over saying. " you are such good people I will see you in church the Sunday!", the door slammed behind us as she dropped me onto the ground, thud, screaming , " come in here everyone something has happened!", they were eating breakfast and soon stood over me looking down like I was in a deep well looking up to see dark demons, I softly spoke, " protect me Jesus for the faces of demons are upon me now", they paused, " what?" , yanking me up to put me in back room on couch to discuss what they needed to do with the injured bother, meaning me. I clutched the cloth medallion praying, to survive the rest of this horrid day, I thought of Jesus's hands nailed to the cross and felt I understood something more about that now .
I never cried because I was told they would find my mother and harm her, I beleived them because look what they had done to the baby kittens, with that point of reference I took no chances. I drifted in and out of consciousness, hearing their discussions, " we have to take that miserable child to the hospital, if anything happens we will accountable, God damn her anyways", sinking into a light sleep thinking ." I am to die here in this dark room, my leg all open , to never see my mum again" , the loneliest point in my life as a kid was such a thought.
I woke as they lifted me roughly to place me in the car to travel to hospital I do not know how long I had laid in the dark room, and I felt arms around me picking from the back seat of the car, " God damn you brat ", whispered in my ear, I nodded. I then smelled medicines and smelled clean air, " here here place the child here BE careful !!" I felt cool hands on my forehead and the sensation of the gurney moving fast.
I squinted opening my eyes to a very intense light, " is this heaven ?" , and I heard the soft laughter fill the room, and a woman's voice in my ear, " no dear this is the hospital the doctor is looking at your hurt leg", I felt a cool then wash over my leg, but felt nothing over my torn knee, " get the surgeon I cannot fix this there are nerve endings exposed here NOW !", I felt a cool mask over my face , " you sleep now " and I did . the sleep of the anesthesia, I was good with that.
Waking up my leg was wrapped in gauze from upper thigh to ankle, being placed in hospital bed, my old clothes replaced with a clean gown, I was in no pain, as a beautiful nurse approached me, with kind eyes, said " hey there kid glad you are awake, do you hurt?" I nodded no , and looked around thinking ," boy am I gonna get it now" , I sighed thinking , " this life needs to get better Lord", I was in a room and told I needed to stay a few days so they could monitor my knee and then they would place in a plaster cast, my eyes grew large , " I cannot play baseball like that !", as the nurse laughed, " no you cannot but you need time to heal now rest your eyes" I thought of my mum and hoped they did not harm her because of this situation.
I spent almost a week at the hospital my mother never knowing what had happened to me , nor her family, I was alone in my injury, but soon the nurse has spread the word about the funny looking kid with the tore knee who was always hungry. I had several hospital people visit me bring me food and talking with me as I ate, I told myself to eat slow. no one was going to take the food away. They would laugh at my stories of adventure like climbing the huge tree by my house pretending I was a pirate up high on a mast look out or the bridge I built on the Foster care small drainage ditch that unfortunately caused a rat infestation, I never told them it was me that built the river crossing out of sticks and mud.
Soon my leg was put in a cost and everyone signed it, giving me bags of candy. coloring and story books, I was wore a new dress donated with used mud boots, one was cut to accommodate my cast, ready to return to the Foster care.
Come out to Play:
I started my new position working nights on a maternity ward, unremarkable and the staff friendly I soon fell into my routine, although my body battles the night schedule, I was content, but felt something odd about the back end of the hallway that is hardly utilized. I felt a pull towards the back end of the hall seeing a flash of a figure in dark blue? One night I saw a person dressed in dark blue sitting at a desk with their head down as if in prayer or charting, my phone rang as one of my patients needed my help, as I stood to ready for their assistance I glanced back at the other desk and the person was gone. I shrugged thinking, " this night shift Lord", and went about my work.
I asked another nurse if this unit had a ghost making light of it and telling her stories of my prior assignments where mysterious things occurred , she nodded and pointed to the back of the hall said," many nurses get a weird feeling from that area, I myself never had but several people have", and then I switched topics to pay and so it went. I left my conversation with the other night nurse feeling some what validated and the flashes of a person dresses in dark blue continued, I never had an ill feeling it was in fact joyful playful energy.
Friend :
I accepted long ago that I would always have this child history as my ghost, a sense that others would notice as I never let anyone too close, and when they try I find an issue to bring to them to prove they cannot be my friend.
I am :
Loving kindness
generous to others
giving of my last coin
helpful towards the needy
grieving for the lost
I am :
alone
searching for
the life
I am gifted
I am different
and different finds me
I am brave
but afraid to
let anyone
love me
to be continued.
I had to see a hand specialist because of an injury I had sustained while working as a nurse, I sat with my daughter in the examination room talking about silly surface topics trying to make the conversation light as I knew she was concerned.
The technician came in asking appropriate questions in reference to my injured hand, and instructed me to put my hands behind a device that would x-ray my hand, complying I did as instructed and a visual of my hand in bone display showed on the screen.
The technician gasp, " your hand has had every metacarpal bones broken ?" turning towards me , he asked ," let's take an xray of the other hand I know the surgeon will want one ", I did as instructed, to hear ," this hand is the same every metacarpal bones has been broken and not set well at !" he turned to look again at me asking, " it looks like both hands have been crushed at one time were you in a accident ?", I shook my head no, pulling my hand out of the machine, feeling my face turn red. My daughter 's stare intrusive but she said nothing , this quiet zone understood by all gave the technician the awkward permission to jet out of the room.
The hand surgeon entered shortly after, asked to see my injured hand, and asked, " I saw the x-rays, I will give you a hand guard to steady the hand, two weeks off work to rest it, OK?" I nodded he pressed, " do you want to tell me why your hands have the metacarpal bones at one time broken and healed improperly, do they hurt you now?" I could still feel my daughter's stare pressing me to answer. I kept my head down and spoke towards the floor . " I do not recall ", and stood , " are we done Sir?", the physician nodded his answer, I moved to exit never encouraging my daughter to follow, I felt exposed like a sinning thief.
Ask Me no Questions:
The drive home was silent as my daughter spoke, " you never tell us anything about your childhood, what happened mom?" , I sighed my response, " that is a story for another day Dolly Girl, let's get some ice cream", and that ended it right there as she knew better than to press me .
I will never speak of it , and if I did would it matter or change any of it, I will answer that, " no it would best to let that memory sleep a lifetime away", I was angry at myself for taking my daughter to the exam I should have thought more on it.
The unwanted:
I sat in the back of the class doing my work with precise detail, my left hand hurt terribly but I had grown used to ignoring it, as the memory of the kittens burned alive in a drum with the threat of the similar for my mum should I decide to tell anyone about my life. I was always hungry and gulped my food down at lunch like a prisoner, I shrugged, wasn't I after all. The kids were always found me easy prey as no one likes the poor kid, and on top of that I was a stranger to them, I had no past point of reference for them to connect with, I was young but I understood the importance of my position. I grew used to their name calling and harbored each one, and my glance told them much because soon that treatment ended with a cold quiet distance, I was good with that, growing used to being alone.
I spent my religious instruction working towards my First Communication diligently and studied my prayer handbook, keeping the cloth medallion on my person, it was St Michael the Archangel, Sister knew what she was doing in gifting it to me. We laughed together and I took comfort in the empty church as waited for the Sister as due to my school hours I arrived an hour early, I would stare at Jesus on the huge cross, looking at his harmed body I thought, " I am sorry Jesus they thought it righteous to harm you " , and I would yawn the big " going to sleep soon" yawn, placing my head on my hands formed as if to pray falling deeply asleep, waking to the cookies and milk.
I woke feeling as if I had slept for hours feeling strong, carrying my cup and plate to the Sisters office, holding the cup in my mouth so I could knock, lowering my head in respect as the door opened. I remember the warmth of the light of the office as it reached the top of my head, and such a warmth traveled through my body as if to wrap me in love.
I remembered love .
The Drop off:
I was playing " who could cross the wooden bridge with the least jumps" , and suddenly my left leg broke through one of the wood planks tearing my knee in a jagged gash that exposed the bone. I was pulled from the hole with a yank , as I tried to stand I saw the gash, with funny looking white things exposed, I was going into shock as my leg could not bear my weight. The kids ran as I fell fearful as the bus just then pulled in to pick us up, I felt the bus driver pick me up, " what has happened Bonnielynn?" , he looked at my leg , I saw his fear, feeling weird hot weak, I mumbled, " they will beat me for this", and he said " what?!", and carried me to the Foster Care place. He reached the place I never once called home, knocking on the screen door, the woman answered, the bus driver explained, " she needs to go to a hospital right away, I would but I have a bus load of kids", the woman's fake nice voice moved forward towards our ears, " oh my we shall care for the poor child " reaching out her arms to take me into her dark. The bus driver handed my tired injured body over saying. " you are such good people I will see you in church the Sunday!", the door slammed behind us as she dropped me onto the ground, thud, screaming , " come in here everyone something has happened!", they were eating breakfast and soon stood over me looking down like I was in a deep well looking up to see dark demons, I softly spoke, " protect me Jesus for the faces of demons are upon me now", they paused, " what?" , yanking me up to put me in back room on couch to discuss what they needed to do with the injured bother, meaning me. I clutched the cloth medallion praying, to survive the rest of this horrid day, I thought of Jesus's hands nailed to the cross and felt I understood something more about that now .
I never cried because I was told they would find my mother and harm her, I beleived them because look what they had done to the baby kittens, with that point of reference I took no chances. I drifted in and out of consciousness, hearing their discussions, " we have to take that miserable child to the hospital, if anything happens we will accountable, God damn her anyways", sinking into a light sleep thinking ." I am to die here in this dark room, my leg all open , to never see my mum again" , the loneliest point in my life as a kid was such a thought.
I woke as they lifted me roughly to place me in the car to travel to hospital I do not know how long I had laid in the dark room, and I felt arms around me picking from the back seat of the car, " God damn you brat ", whispered in my ear, I nodded. I then smelled medicines and smelled clean air, " here here place the child here BE careful !!" I felt cool hands on my forehead and the sensation of the gurney moving fast.
I squinted opening my eyes to a very intense light, " is this heaven ?" , and I heard the soft laughter fill the room, and a woman's voice in my ear, " no dear this is the hospital the doctor is looking at your hurt leg", I felt a cool then wash over my leg, but felt nothing over my torn knee, " get the surgeon I cannot fix this there are nerve endings exposed here NOW !", I felt a cool mask over my face , " you sleep now " and I did . the sleep of the anesthesia, I was good with that.
Waking up my leg was wrapped in gauze from upper thigh to ankle, being placed in hospital bed, my old clothes replaced with a clean gown, I was in no pain, as a beautiful nurse approached me, with kind eyes, said " hey there kid glad you are awake, do you hurt?" I nodded no , and looked around thinking ," boy am I gonna get it now" , I sighed thinking , " this life needs to get better Lord", I was in a room and told I needed to stay a few days so they could monitor my knee and then they would place in a plaster cast, my eyes grew large , " I cannot play baseball like that !", as the nurse laughed, " no you cannot but you need time to heal now rest your eyes" I thought of my mum and hoped they did not harm her because of this situation.
I spent almost a week at the hospital my mother never knowing what had happened to me , nor her family, I was alone in my injury, but soon the nurse has spread the word about the funny looking kid with the tore knee who was always hungry. I had several hospital people visit me bring me food and talking with me as I ate, I told myself to eat slow. no one was going to take the food away. They would laugh at my stories of adventure like climbing the huge tree by my house pretending I was a pirate up high on a mast look out or the bridge I built on the Foster care small drainage ditch that unfortunately caused a rat infestation, I never told them it was me that built the river crossing out of sticks and mud.
Soon my leg was put in a cost and everyone signed it, giving me bags of candy. coloring and story books, I was wore a new dress donated with used mud boots, one was cut to accommodate my cast, ready to return to the Foster care.
Come out to Play:
I started my new position working nights on a maternity ward, unremarkable and the staff friendly I soon fell into my routine, although my body battles the night schedule, I was content, but felt something odd about the back end of the hallway that is hardly utilized. I felt a pull towards the back end of the hall seeing a flash of a figure in dark blue? One night I saw a person dressed in dark blue sitting at a desk with their head down as if in prayer or charting, my phone rang as one of my patients needed my help, as I stood to ready for their assistance I glanced back at the other desk and the person was gone. I shrugged thinking, " this night shift Lord", and went about my work.
I asked another nurse if this unit had a ghost making light of it and telling her stories of my prior assignments where mysterious things occurred , she nodded and pointed to the back of the hall said," many nurses get a weird feeling from that area, I myself never had but several people have", and then I switched topics to pay and so it went. I left my conversation with the other night nurse feeling some what validated and the flashes of a person dresses in dark blue continued, I never had an ill feeling it was in fact joyful playful energy.
Friend :
I accepted long ago that I would always have this child history as my ghost, a sense that others would notice as I never let anyone too close, and when they try I find an issue to bring to them to prove they cannot be my friend.
I am :
Loving kindness
generous to others
giving of my last coin
helpful towards the needy
grieving for the lost
I am :
alone
searching for
the life
I am gifted
I am different
and different finds me
I am brave
but afraid to
let anyone
love me
to be continued.
