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My love for exercising has been a life long passion
spending a few days getting to know my new machine pushing myself as usual, laughing off the new identified muscle fatigue. Remembering," the body is a machine, it requires a daily work out" How fast the muscle remembers it's one pristine past and easily complies, How fast the intermediate fasting melts the body down to fighting size, Stretching, and hydration to follow, humming, " it's not right but it's ok" , I run a hot bath, my sauna that allows the body to remove toxins. oh! now it's a great new trend? Ok Mr. Waking I feel like something has changed? no it's not the full moon renegade I think increasing expressing my feelings of gratefulness although it chases the fearful away from my Twitter page, I remember all I had thought I lost but it was my cleansing I did not understand but the reality of the gift is a kiss upon my soul as I relax into the Grace of Knowing Does that scare you? A feeble mind love song plays in the background as I make coffee a mournful male moans," I don't want to be alone, does that scare you?" WTF? I laugh skipping the song being alone is a gift of peacefulness not understood by the needful unfinished soul, smirking, " be gone nitwit" change up the music to soft jazz, no words letting the mind's imagination travel. There are various pieces of art work yet to be hung but I have not found their rightful place yet my home is comfortable trendy fluff with soft places to sit I adore color of vibrance, and mysterious lighting Boxes of packed give away clothing stacked ready to go into someone's life who will perhaps adore them more than I could People tell me, " you are being manipulated", as I smile thinking, " well you can try", I acknowledge I am different now thankful I was allowed to grow I am not a repeat offender meaning if I did it once chances are I will not seek it out twice But if you attribute that to my changing ? OK I push out the thought of yesterday already forgetting the names of people I once worked with and why? Because redundancy is the ruination of many if I drag the past into my future then I only harm myself. To Die For Ironic we both see this in our own dysfunctional our parents taught us to act like this we don't listen to each other's feelings my strength of spirit scares him his foulness of verbiage gives me pause we walk away then return hoping for a different outcome yet we don't change the communication tools we use to hurt each other I recall the words I used to harm him it gives me an empty echo heart beat the very person I never would hurt how did it get to this? guilt for hurting someone never thought I would he doesn't listen I don't stop yelling at him pattern dysfunction fly route in continuation I am aware the Lord would never agree to my behavior regardless I am wrong for hurting another this hurts me too I need to push down the five year old inside of me always ready to fight enough of this boxing life that leaves only the mortally wounded. I look at the only picture I kept of him he is dressed like a hobo, shaggy mumbling to himself does someone answer him? The New but it's really Used I enter the hospital with hot tea, that is starting to burn my fingers through the cardboard nurses greet me hello and I speak my "hello" unlocking the office door, with my name with trailing letters that detail my education, I feel like a person given this huge gift to redo my life, I sigh into the day because some of life's gifts are better celebrated alone I want to fit in so I am cautious adult life is safe a Monopoly game spin to take your turn, is my reality of " what space will Bonnielynn land today?" if it is fear of failing I feel I like it because I feel alive " as I wonder down the avenue so confused, guess I'll try and force a smile"
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