.Just look at who you’ve become and the people you surround yourself with the games that were asked of you from the very beginning like erasing your fans comments from years . Shady
I remember when you came out with dating that old whore and you were nasty to me absolutely horrific towards me and I did nothing to deserve that do you have any idea how that felt?
No you don’t because everything is about you and your dick
So you found somebody that would suck you off and called it love and now you’re trying to come back around my way after shredding the shit out of my life and my reputation ?
you’re a sadist
all the time you knew me when I had you ever known me to harm anyone ever?
I never did
but those things you’re with came after me full throttle and either you knew it or you didn’t but I’m telling you it happened!
Even you’re useless brother the one from New York begs people for material items!
I was threatened by him and your sister-in-law why probably because they didn’t want you talking to me or me having any sort of influence over you they didn’t want their plans to go away.
Everybody has an agenda for you every last one of them and you fell right into it.
And That thing you’re with called my house for four days jealous out of her coked out head mind. You gave her my private number or she took it off your phone but I’m telling you that it happened where is your self righteousness about that?
Why didn’t you people just leave me the fuck alone you already made it clear that I wasn’t your friend right after you started dating that filth so why did you come after me??
And you want to blame me for defending myself you hate me because I defended myself?
You are a sick person
drunk and on drugs surrounded by people that do the same.
You look awful she looks like shit and I can’t believe you would even touch the thing. You must’ve needed money terribly.
You can block me all you want you can blame me all you want publicly but you and I know what went on.
Why don’t you publicly acknowledge me why do you keep me hidden so you could have me just for yourself or you’re so jealous of me that you couldn’t stand to see me get successful so you ruined it. I got news for you
you don’t intimidate me you don’t frighten me and you’re not going to get in my way again so you go on hate me all you want.
You’re so self righteous on Twitter and on your website acting as if you’re a good person people believe it because they don’t know any better but one day you’re gonna be found out without lying bullying piece of filth you are
The only reason I’m not more public about it is because why should the rest of your people you employed under your bands heading suffer because you’re a dick
The Jackals of Hollywood
After what I did? Must’ve been really hard to learn of all the horrific things your family did to me. But instead of believing in me you listen to them entrapment fornication of facts. You never once asked me what happen you just believed.The same ones that wipe their ass on your reputation?
He said “ I hate that you have trust issues!” He’s the reason I have trust issues but instead of helping me through those trust issues he pushes them back on me like a spoiled child who refuses to eat his potatoes. What a sexual turn off.
When a man is only willing to look at you and care about you through his one frothing Eye? That gives no good woman Security nor does it release her trust issues. But a grown man would know that and not behave in such a singular motivational manner
A man and a woman should be able to discuss whatever problem there is between each other not who’s right and who’s wrong. That is for children but there’s nothing wrong with informing someone that you were aware of the crimes against you. Children block each other childish
Expect me to trust you when you don’t even trust me enough to unblock me so we’re going to somehow get together and I’m going to unblock your penis? What world are you living in what is the color of the sky there? Please I want to know
All I ever hear about is how rich and how you have everything in the world and you’re super powerful? Or you could have any person in the world, and how I’m wrong all the time? And the problem is me right? No
People want a rubber band man in and out of other peoples lives because they think they have the freedom because other people let them do those things when I’m not other people.
I don’t have trust issues I have reality based on actions and I don’t see any changes but I see blame always towards me and I’m tired of it so giving it back. It’s your fault all yours feel better now? Dam skippy do da child
I woman has to know that the man she lays down with knows how to act like a man not just sexually either. It’s more than just keeping your mouth shut it’s valuing that woman above everyone else.
For years I did nothing but value that person and raise him up the best way I could with encouragement and when I needed it truly downhearted where was he ? but he’s got time for everything he thinks I did wrong ? Like? Seriously?
I keep waiting for him to grow up and I keep getting disappointed each and every time find out that hasn’t happened. Because he runs around with idiots in mature uneducated who tell him whatever it is he wants to hear. AKA star fvckers
And how can you get mad if I finally decide to let this body have what it needs and you’re out there doing God knows what with whatever and whomever? You don’t have any right to feel bad about anything I do you should’ve put a ring on it if you valued it
Don’t tell me to go pick out something off some cheesy website talk about lazy. You’re either totally socially inapt or you’re just spoiled lazy no one is that busy. Wait you are freaking everyone on that smelt bus
Wasted so much time it’s sinful I feel that I’ve been ungrateful before the Lord for all of his gifts. But then I think book at what the other half of this gift is Lord, That’s selfish money grabbing egomaniac
So I gave the gift back to the Lord and I think he would understand the reasons why people have their limitations,
When a man is only willing to look at you and care about you through his one frothing Eye? That gives no good woman Security nor does it release her trust issues. But a grown man would know that and not behave in such a singular motivational manner
A man and a woman should be able to discuss whatever problem there is between each other not who’s right and who’s wrong. That is for children but there’s nothing wrong with informing someone that you were aware of the crimes against you. Children block each other childish
Expect me to trust you when you don’t even trust me enough to unblock me so we’re going to somehow get together and I’m going to unblock your penis? What world are you living in what is the color of the sky there? Please I want to know
All I ever hear about is how rich and how you have everything in the world and you’re super powerful? Or you could have any person in the world, and how I’m wrong all the time? And the problem is me right? No
People want a rubber band man in and out of other peoples lives because they think they have the freedom because other people let them do those things when I’m not other people.
I don’t have trust issues I have reality based on actions and I don’t see any changes but I see blame always towards me and I’m tired of it so giving it back. It’s your fault all yours feel better now? Dam skippy do da child
I woman has to know that the man she lays down with knows how to act like a man not just sexually either. It’s more than just keeping your mouth shut it’s valuing that woman above everyone else.
For years I did nothing but value that person and raise him up the best way I could with encouragement and when I needed it truly downhearted where was he ? but he’s got time for everything he thinks I did wrong ? Like? Seriously?
I keep waiting for him to grow up and I keep getting disappointed each and every time find out that hasn’t happened. Because he runs around with idiots in mature uneducated who tell him whatever it is he wants to hear. AKA star fvckers
And how can you get mad if I finally decide to let this body have what it needs and you’re out there doing God knows what with whatever and whomever? You don’t have any right to feel bad about anything I do you should’ve put a ring on it if you valued it
Don’t tell me to go pick out something off some cheesy website talk about lazy. You’re either totally socially inapt or you’re just spoiled lazy no one is that busy. Wait you are freaking everyone on that smelt bus
Wasted so much time it’s sinful I feel that I’ve been ungrateful before the Lord for all of his gifts. But then I think book at what the other half of this gift is Lord, That’s selfish money grabbing egomaniac
So I gave the gift back to the Lord and I think he would understand the reasons why people have their limitations,
Bee Sting :
My family arrived in Michigan from Scotland, then I was born, and they raised me in the ways of they knew, I was very sheltered protected and always in trouble because I ran off to play baseball instead of learning our Gaelic.
When all you knew of love is gone on before you ..
People ask me why I don’t go to Scotland because it would kill me I will go there when I die to be with my family
Don’t go to places that remind you of the dead who cannot come back to comfort you . Just remember their love as they would want you to.
Sometimes I get sad but it doesn’t last long because I know my family wouldn’t want that for me .... but I say sometimes “ this life is long without thee “.
The devil softly whispers “don’t love anything BonnieLynn”.
Time to stop denying myself of this life …
I purchase new kitchen ware
sometimes I am afraid to make a new life because
loving anything can make it get lost
been told I am willful … no I am born of the free spirit Irish ...so there's that
Most days I don't worry but there are days I am aware all of the Scots have left me here alone …….they sailed on ahead of me, I miss the comfort of being understood
I have the tartans of my family all over my apartment to remind me to be strong and fight on as a good Scot Irish should.
I have a heart full of love memories and intend on having more
I have a wildness about me always have
He made fun of how I speak now isn’t that a stupid petty person to say such madness? Indeed
I don’t care what anyone thinks of me if they don’t love me ? They don’t matter
He is a mutt meaning he knows nothing of his family yet criticizing others? He roams around foaming from his lower eye like a mutt who knows not a thing about this life’s loyalty.
Took me a long while to practice pronouncing certain words so my accent that I don’t know I have would not be so noticeable.
My family arrived in Michigan from Scotland, then I was born, and they raised me in the ways of they knew, I was very sheltered protected and always in trouble because I ran off to play baseball instead of learning our Gaelic.
When all you knew of love is gone on before you ..
People ask me why I don’t go to Scotland because it would kill me I will go there when I die to be with my family
Don’t go to places that remind you of the dead who cannot come back to comfort you . Just remember their love as they would want you to.
Sometimes I get sad but it doesn’t last long because I know my family wouldn’t want that for me .... but I say sometimes “ this life is long without thee “.
The devil softly whispers “don’t love anything BonnieLynn”.
Time to stop denying myself of this life …
I purchase new kitchen ware
sometimes I am afraid to make a new life because
loving anything can make it get lost
been told I am willful … no I am born of the free spirit Irish ...so there's that
Most days I don't worry but there are days I am aware all of the Scots have left me here alone …….they sailed on ahead of me, I miss the comfort of being understood
I have the tartans of my family all over my apartment to remind me to be strong and fight on as a good Scot Irish should.
I have a heart full of love memories and intend on having more
I have a wildness about me always have
He made fun of how I speak now isn’t that a stupid petty person to say such madness? Indeed
I don’t care what anyone thinks of me if they don’t love me ? They don’t matter
He is a mutt meaning he knows nothing of his family yet criticizing others? He roams around foaming from his lower eye like a mutt who knows not a thing about this life’s loyalty.
Took me a long while to practice pronouncing certain words so my accent that I don’t know I have would not be so noticeable.
I am enjoying this new life
of independence and laughter.
of independence and laughter.
The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe:
Who actually lived in Hollywood with a sunken face
and a short fat midget who was her maid.
The hot sauna felt so good after the long work out
and meeting with new friend brought on a new connection
as we had fun, good wholesome mid-west fun.
Pizza and soda
conversation and laughter.
As I rub hot oils into my skin I
smile looking forward to tomorrow and
meeting with new artist friend for drinks.
I don't drink and will have red bull and cranberry juice.
It is not difficult for me to meet new people
and I smile when I think of how relaxed my life has
become, this is well deserved.
Fake it Till You Make It:
Go where you fit in.
Friends show me the newest photos of two old
bloated fat people and I am shocked to see it
is him, I hardly recognize him again.
How remarkable the accelerated aging process
has been on both of them.
They look drunkard and stoned nothing new
about that as her mouth hangs open in a meth grin. She is once again carrying that huge glass bottle of water that folks whisper is full of vodka or possibly Gin?
He is all about money, drugs and what ever he can get
from others, as she looks down to smirk at him openly.
I shake my head thinking " he would do anything or one for money",
I notice her huge dirty feet twisted distorted toes going in three different directions ugly like a baboons' banana peeling feet.
She looks unwashed and has gotten fatter, they blame that on her age? Even without sound the pictures show a woman who flaps her sunken mouth constantly, looking incredibly like a man and irritating .
Together:
They are repulsive as their acts towards innocent people,
I delete the photos and wash my hands as some how I
feel like I touched something filthy.
Who actually lived in Hollywood with a sunken face
and a short fat midget who was her maid.
The hot sauna felt so good after the long work out
and meeting with new friend brought on a new connection
as we had fun, good wholesome mid-west fun.
Pizza and soda
conversation and laughter.
As I rub hot oils into my skin I
smile looking forward to tomorrow and
meeting with new artist friend for drinks.
I don't drink and will have red bull and cranberry juice.
It is not difficult for me to meet new people
and I smile when I think of how relaxed my life has
become, this is well deserved.
Fake it Till You Make It:
Go where you fit in.
Friends show me the newest photos of two old
bloated fat people and I am shocked to see it
is him, I hardly recognize him again.
How remarkable the accelerated aging process
has been on both of them.
They look drunkard and stoned nothing new
about that as her mouth hangs open in a meth grin. She is once again carrying that huge glass bottle of water that folks whisper is full of vodka or possibly Gin?
He is all about money, drugs and what ever he can get
from others, as she looks down to smirk at him openly.
I shake my head thinking " he would do anything or one for money",
I notice her huge dirty feet twisted distorted toes going in three different directions ugly like a baboons' banana peeling feet.
She looks unwashed and has gotten fatter, they blame that on her age? Even without sound the pictures show a woman who flaps her sunken mouth constantly, looking incredibly like a man and irritating .
Together:
They are repulsive as their acts towards innocent people,
I delete the photos and wash my hands as some how I
feel like I touched something filthy.
Click Here to Edit:
I am not a ghost
I am still here
but I think
where are you?
SO
I look for old video's where
your laughter due to silliness
made me laugh too
as I watched you do
your job.
That was so long ago
and I do not see that
silliness in your face anymore.
I have not lost my ability to
laugh at life and others who think
all they think makes up for what their
sinking careers lack.
I used to like to see you
jump around doing what you love.
I stopped watching years ago
so my reference of you is
played back from 2011
that's where you live true
for me.
You have become a ghost .
Post Note:
People that have a lot to make
up for
should be careful
and do it just right.
I am not anyone's
second thought nor am
I weak minded easily
convinced.
You made a huge mistake
not me
and the day you accept it
the day you admit it
is the day
we start to heal.
I want to hear you
say it.
I never thought you
would ever be some one's
maid
Lamb of God
take away the sins of the world.
Protect us.
The Leaving Song: should’ve , would’ve could've.
That was so Perfect,
it was yesterday.
I used to have so much to say you know that’s true,
I was talking almost every day.
I would talk for hours about I don’t even know , I remember new shoes, KFC incident and the new widow Halloween I spent alone.
I would walk for hours by the ocean just listening to music
only to return so exhausted I soon fell asleep while talking
I hope I didn’t snore.
I told you all along I said it multiple times
you never heard.
You never do.
I would try to talk to you about things to take away your mind from everything,
to make you see that you had so much more
that,
I was always proud of you and for you at that time,
I respected you.
I just didn’t see who you really were and are I frankly I don’t know why you let me think
those things,
quiet pause ….
I don’t think you should’ve done that.
I don’t really have that much to say anymore,
I feel like it’s all been said and much more.
I don’t want any more pain and with
you that’s exactly all I’m going to gain.
Tears of Pain:
I cried that night in the voice thread because I couldn’t believe maliciousness done at your hands .
I wasted too many years,
I need to make a life for myself I never used to think about dying alone but I think now
I better work so that doesn’t happen.
You’re never going to change too much opportunity
too much ego,
too much money.
I just didn’t understand who you are but I do now.
New Chance :
I was abrupt with you when I first came to Los Angeles the second time,
because you just don’t see how hard it is for people,
you don’t see their fear or exhaustion,
you only see yourself!
You don’t care how hard it is for other people because you don’t understand,
you don’t put the effort into understanding.
So I was abrupt,
I was rude,
because I was tired and afraid,
you just don’t ever see me.
I’m not going to survive another one of your antics,
the last time nearly killed me,
did you know that ?
of course you don't because if it is
not about YOU ?
you just don't see it .
I used to be so sure that I would always be in Los Angeles,
but now I don’t know if I’m going to stay here.
I don’t know where my home is in the devil teases me about that daily.
But I will find and I will know.
One Day: A sharp mind carries a fresh pen.
I will feel it.
Every Song:
I listen to the tunes
that scream the same
feelings I feel.
and my eyes fill with tears
that burn me.
A soft angel whispers,
"its a forgiving way of a loving heart" ,
but the fear of so much rushes in
and my heart freezes as I want
to vomit all the pain
I felt so many times
that no one knows or
cares about,
I was a joke
I am the joke
I was your sacrifice
I will rip your lying throat out,
using your blood to pen my hurt out on
to pages
publicly drag you so others laugh at you.
and it
it almost satisfies,
I feel the release as I
write out my screams of poison
you once made me swallow.
I won't sacrifice my pride again ever
not for you.
Your turn to crawl
scrape your ego knees
scream out
your pain
so I can heal and
forgive you.
The Irish:
I am no coward,
I do not envy you
I do not admire you
I lost my respect for all you
once were, all lies.
You never believed in me
you took all I loved and ripped it
away from my pride,
YOU DID ALL I SAID
you are the coward
the weak minded bully,
drunk just like my father,
I won't carry your empty beer bottles into
this life.
NOW :
I just know about you.
PROVE ME WRONG
Emo Starvation:
I fell into bed no dreams just peaceful rest
and awoke not caring what time it was being off duty
stretching I simply did not care.
My journey, thoughts , emotions are not for negotiation
unlike the cheapness of Hollywood including those who live there
I am not bound to live, move or grow to accommodate another's feelings of
regret, guilt, need and emotional starvation.
No Free Lunch Baby:
The need to push a guilt sense of support makes me nauseous
just like the attempt of giving me his Citi Bank Card so he could purchase
my body and soul.
That's the life he leads where people are bought and sold
as his being led around pushing a shopping cart like a cheap trick
demonstrates, he was bought like a monkey to perform for her circus.
He stated, " you cannot afford your life" , I raged inside with hurt at his
assuming he had still a right to speak to me on a level of such needful things.
I grew to comprehend he was not the person he pretended to be and as the fake
continued to drop away I saw a person who was desperate to cling to all he had done.
I realized he was more lost than me.
TIME OUT:
Now a few years away from the days of betrayal and harm I bound out of bed happy
my long curls wild failing to my waist
I know I don't look as if I had suffered a lot
making coffee I turn on the newest music spin I have fallen
in love with, as my cell phone rings
my family is calling
and day is about to begin.
My hurt is over
but something tells me
his is just beginning .
I fell into bed no dreams just peaceful rest
and awoke not caring what time it was being off duty
stretching I simply did not care.
My journey, thoughts , emotions are not for negotiation
unlike the cheapness of Hollywood including those who live there
I am not bound to live, move or grow to accommodate another's feelings of
regret, guilt, need and emotional starvation.
No Free Lunch Baby:
The need to push a guilt sense of support makes me nauseous
just like the attempt of giving me his Citi Bank Card so he could purchase
my body and soul.
That's the life he leads where people are bought and sold
as his being led around pushing a shopping cart like a cheap trick
demonstrates, he was bought like a monkey to perform for her circus.
He stated, " you cannot afford your life" , I raged inside with hurt at his
assuming he had still a right to speak to me on a level of such needful things.
I grew to comprehend he was not the person he pretended to be and as the fake
continued to drop away I saw a person who was desperate to cling to all he had done.
I realized he was more lost than me.
TIME OUT:
Now a few years away from the days of betrayal and harm I bound out of bed happy
my long curls wild failing to my waist
I know I don't look as if I had suffered a lot
making coffee I turn on the newest music spin I have fallen
in love with, as my cell phone rings
my family is calling
and day is about to begin.
My hurt is over
but something tells me
his is just beginning .
THE POOR KIDS GROWN
I saw him he was so stoned he was thinking he was someone else.
I became afraid that he hurt me while he was thinking he was someone else being stoned.
You know people die that way and I’m just starting to live.
He thinks because he has money he can buy anyone couldn’t buy me.
He stumbles stoned out of his mind chasing after people don’t even know his name, he’s done that three times to me he doesn’t get any more time
I’m not as good as Jen, not going do the taco run before rehab and in between preach about church.
I’m going to run like hell because I saw what drugs/booze did to my father and what he did to my mother.
I’m going to run like hell.
People that do that stuff don’t love the people that love them they love the people that let them use that stuff because they love that stuff not the people that love them.
I’ve had a hard enough life I don’t want any more misery so I’m building my new life with people that don’t use that stuff. People that care about me stay close to me so I don’t dream bad dreams.
Drunkards always forget the things they do that hurt people and think it doesn’t matter because they were drunkard but it does matter.
Why be around that when there are so many good things in life to enjoy like ice cream.
I just want to know why me Jesus why?
Isn’t three or four frozen ice storms enough entertainment?
I became afraid that he hurt me while he was thinking he was someone else being stoned.
You know people die that way and I’m just starting to live.
He thinks because he has money he can buy anyone couldn’t buy me.
He stumbles stoned out of his mind chasing after people don’t even know his name, he’s done that three times to me he doesn’t get any more time
I’m not as good as Jen, not going do the taco run before rehab and in between preach about church.
I’m going to run like hell because I saw what drugs/booze did to my father and what he did to my mother.
I’m going to run like hell.
People that do that stuff don’t love the people that love them they love the people that let them use that stuff because they love that stuff not the people that love them.
I’ve had a hard enough life I don’t want any more misery so I’m building my new life with people that don’t use that stuff. People that care about me stay close to me so I don’t dream bad dreams.
Drunkards always forget the things they do that hurt people and think it doesn’t matter because they were drunkard but it does matter.
Why be around that when there are so many good things in life to enjoy like ice cream.
I just want to know why me Jesus why?
Isn’t three or four frozen ice storms enough entertainment?
The Diary of Jane: Catch and Release
"
The Live the dream:
I woke in one of the urgent care rooms as apparently I fell out in the waiting room
all I remember is it hurt so deeply to breath
as I woke that morning in crushing pain
as I struggled to get ready for the day
confused on what was happening
Why this pain?
I made my dental appointment on time
in a haze of nausea and pain.
Driving to the urgent car sipping my tea reflecting on
the possible reasons it hurt to take a breath.
The Grey:
The waiting room swam before my eyes as I sipped another cup of tea, it hurt so bad to breath I could not catch my breath, I felt light as I placed my head on the table, I whispered my late husbands name.
The dark came easily, as I heard soft voices of the past pulling for my attention, " Bonnie girl wake up " I felt such ease in the rest of darkness, it wasn't sleep it was much better.
Intervention:
The crisp curtain briskly pulled back as a small
Asian doctor entered asking, " so how long have you had diabetes?"
I stuttered my response, " since I was a kid" feeling short of breath as I spoke.
He nodded, " so tell me about your hydration I mean how often do you drink water because you are severely dehydrated ?" I paused, " I have been working these past days at hospital and it has been very busy" I looked up at the physician, " I don't remember drinking any water for the past days except a few sips I have been working hard". A nurse entered to hang another bag of IV fluids, I looked at my hands as I realized why I was in such pain.
The physician informed me, " your left kidney is shutting down, your electrolytes are highly irregular, when is the last time you voided?"
I had to pause again, " I think yesterday morning but not sure", I felt so dizzy as I pushed to clear my head, I felt a drunkard yet had not consumed any fluids apparently.
My blood pressure was "kill you high" and I felt nauseous as the pain was relentless my thoughts interrupted by the doctors stern voice .
" I want you be hospitalized to be stabilized and it's lucky you passed out here ,not at home alone" . I shook my head "no" found my voice, " NO I will not to hospital you stabilize me here !" He looked up from writing, " Ms. that is not a good idea as by evidenced of your poor care towards yourself", I thought , " Lord he using the old stand by detached factual information my usual defense."
Understanding that this would ruin my contract with the hospital I stated again, " Fix me here because I am not staying !" I tried not to let the anger enter my voice but I know it was there, " I accept my responsibly for this but I am NOT losing my job on top of this mess!!"
There was a long pause in the conversation as the doctor stood looking at me, I did not drop my eyes, I would pull out the IV and leave.
He stated, " I will be right back", the curtain pulled back, I sat there looking a my little feet, I seethed, I hated the diabetes that drove my life course like a spoiled child it would throw me down physically to get attention.
I would not cry.
TRUTH :
The doctor returned , " Bonnielynn I have viewed your films and lab results, you are very ill, you know that right?"
I accepted that, been pushing my body too hard, trying to live three life times since arriving in Los Angeles again, running, filming and working long hours.
He pushed on , " You still want to leave? At this point I do not recommend it but because you are a nurse I will agree with stipulations ok?"
I nodded, the old standby rescue, being a nurse but I thought, " look at how well I took care of myself bloody hell I am useless", I accepted that I had done this to my body.
My lean mean fighting machine.
The doctor continued, " you have a massive left kidney dysfunction brought on by dehydration and that is causing the extreme pain lucky you passed out here we have given you strong IV antibiotics and will continue to hydrate you, monitor your electrolytes including glucose.
LATER we re-evaluate your condition ok?"
Again I looked past his eyes and said , " seems logical I accept that but I AM leaving later" the pain had diminished but still roared to remind me of my neglect.
The last few days were a blur as I worked long hard hours at hospital taking care of others, I just was having so much fun I did not stop as there was such need.
I have always had issues with my left kidney, since childhood as it's been a quiet struggle putting a strain on my right kidney.
CAUSE AND NEGLEGT :
Falling into bed each night I didn't notice the pain creeping up on me as I woke very early each day to work, I cannot remember drinking water. I looked in my nurse medical bag seeing the two full water bottles I placed days ago untouched.
The neglect I had inflicted on myself shocking, I sat back falling asleep easily as the pain continued to subside gently, I could not stay awake.
I dreamed of the ocean and swimming in the warm salt water, feeling warm and safe.
REALITY:
I woke hearing noises in my area, the doctor stood taking my blood pressure, " just seeing how your responding to hydration, your blood pressure was 160/110 when you first arrived" I said nothing , the doctor smiled " 115/75, perfect, how do you feel?"
The pain was better, I sat up, " I am leaving now" ,resisted pulling on IV lines, swinging my legs over the side of gurney.
I meant it as I was on duty the next day, thankful that this had happened on my day off.
PAUSE FOR THE CAUSE:
There was no doubt that I would and was going to leave, the physician, nodding, " ok but listen to my instructions, humor me ok?"
I sat still.
Listened to all I had heard before but this time it settled inside my heart where the love of myself lives, I needed to accept that I had done this to myself.
I had ran towards Los Angeles like a prisoner escaping a jail trying to regain all I had lost but in that rush it had almost cost me everything.
"Diabetes is nothing to play with".
How often had I said that very statement to others?
I felt like I had been in a huge fight, I won but just barely.
I listened to his prescriptions of what I needed to do, and when they knew my kidneys could process the pain medications and placed prescriptions in my hand.
I just wanted to go home.
"Where is home Bonnielynn? " the devil whispers.
THIS:
I fell into bed after my long bath, I did not dream
waking early for work, the pain still a steady reminder
feeling weak,
shook it off it didn't matter I had to work.
The day was good as I forgot much about myself and took care of the babies grateful for the opportunity to help others.
I had been getting ill for weeks
as I abused my body, until it could take no more.
Making sure to hydrate myself, I went about my day.
I crashed again early last night, barely able to keep my eyes open,
waking this day morning, the pain near gone.
I can breath with out pain.
Checking my glucose a steady 110 is lighted up on the meter.
Yeah baby rock that normal level.
Looking down my phone has messages from early evening last night, sorry just too busy taking care of me to be bothered.
What people don't know serves me righteously.
Diagnosed early in teens with Diabetes, diet controlled then on insulin, I have fought for my health, and my neglect a timely warning that this life CAN be very short if pushed.
There is so much to do and see to play like this, as I start to shut off access to my heart.
I need to be alone to care for myself, I need to heal.
I will say anything for my chance at my new life.
Calling my family to inform them of what happened I listen to their concern and that hurts me deeply because again this did not need to happen yet I let it.
No, I won't go home, this is my home
I promise to do better, and I will.
Sipping my water, thinking
" Time to regroup the Irish"
I am stronger than anyone could imagine.
No one knew at the hospital just how sick I was and how I
spent my day off.
THEN:
There is just today
perhaps a tomorrow
I plan on living them both
well.
The Diary of Jane
The Live the dream:
I woke in one of the urgent care rooms as apparently I fell out in the waiting room
all I remember is it hurt so deeply to breath
as I woke that morning in crushing pain
as I struggled to get ready for the day
confused on what was happening
Why this pain?
I made my dental appointment on time
in a haze of nausea and pain.
Driving to the urgent car sipping my tea reflecting on
the possible reasons it hurt to take a breath.
The Grey:
The waiting room swam before my eyes as I sipped another cup of tea, it hurt so bad to breath I could not catch my breath, I felt light as I placed my head on the table, I whispered my late husbands name.
The dark came easily, as I heard soft voices of the past pulling for my attention, " Bonnie girl wake up " I felt such ease in the rest of darkness, it wasn't sleep it was much better.
Intervention:
The crisp curtain briskly pulled back as a small
Asian doctor entered asking, " so how long have you had diabetes?"
I stuttered my response, " since I was a kid" feeling short of breath as I spoke.
He nodded, " so tell me about your hydration I mean how often do you drink water because you are severely dehydrated ?" I paused, " I have been working these past days at hospital and it has been very busy" I looked up at the physician, " I don't remember drinking any water for the past days except a few sips I have been working hard". A nurse entered to hang another bag of IV fluids, I looked at my hands as I realized why I was in such pain.
The physician informed me, " your left kidney is shutting down, your electrolytes are highly irregular, when is the last time you voided?"
I had to pause again, " I think yesterday morning but not sure", I felt so dizzy as I pushed to clear my head, I felt a drunkard yet had not consumed any fluids apparently.
My blood pressure was "kill you high" and I felt nauseous as the pain was relentless my thoughts interrupted by the doctors stern voice .
" I want you be hospitalized to be stabilized and it's lucky you passed out here ,not at home alone" . I shook my head "no" found my voice, " NO I will not to hospital you stabilize me here !" He looked up from writing, " Ms. that is not a good idea as by evidenced of your poor care towards yourself", I thought , " Lord he using the old stand by detached factual information my usual defense."
Understanding that this would ruin my contract with the hospital I stated again, " Fix me here because I am not staying !" I tried not to let the anger enter my voice but I know it was there, " I accept my responsibly for this but I am NOT losing my job on top of this mess!!"
There was a long pause in the conversation as the doctor stood looking at me, I did not drop my eyes, I would pull out the IV and leave.
He stated, " I will be right back", the curtain pulled back, I sat there looking a my little feet, I seethed, I hated the diabetes that drove my life course like a spoiled child it would throw me down physically to get attention.
I would not cry.
TRUTH :
The doctor returned , " Bonnielynn I have viewed your films and lab results, you are very ill, you know that right?"
I accepted that, been pushing my body too hard, trying to live three life times since arriving in Los Angeles again, running, filming and working long hours.
He pushed on , " You still want to leave? At this point I do not recommend it but because you are a nurse I will agree with stipulations ok?"
I nodded, the old standby rescue, being a nurse but I thought, " look at how well I took care of myself bloody hell I am useless", I accepted that I had done this to my body.
My lean mean fighting machine.
The doctor continued, " you have a massive left kidney dysfunction brought on by dehydration and that is causing the extreme pain lucky you passed out here we have given you strong IV antibiotics and will continue to hydrate you, monitor your electrolytes including glucose.
LATER we re-evaluate your condition ok?"
Again I looked past his eyes and said , " seems logical I accept that but I AM leaving later" the pain had diminished but still roared to remind me of my neglect.
The last few days were a blur as I worked long hard hours at hospital taking care of others, I just was having so much fun I did not stop as there was such need.
I have always had issues with my left kidney, since childhood as it's been a quiet struggle putting a strain on my right kidney.
CAUSE AND NEGLEGT :
Falling into bed each night I didn't notice the pain creeping up on me as I woke very early each day to work, I cannot remember drinking water. I looked in my nurse medical bag seeing the two full water bottles I placed days ago untouched.
The neglect I had inflicted on myself shocking, I sat back falling asleep easily as the pain continued to subside gently, I could not stay awake.
I dreamed of the ocean and swimming in the warm salt water, feeling warm and safe.
REALITY:
I woke hearing noises in my area, the doctor stood taking my blood pressure, " just seeing how your responding to hydration, your blood pressure was 160/110 when you first arrived" I said nothing , the doctor smiled " 115/75, perfect, how do you feel?"
The pain was better, I sat up, " I am leaving now" ,resisted pulling on IV lines, swinging my legs over the side of gurney.
I meant it as I was on duty the next day, thankful that this had happened on my day off.
PAUSE FOR THE CAUSE:
There was no doubt that I would and was going to leave, the physician, nodding, " ok but listen to my instructions, humor me ok?"
I sat still.
Listened to all I had heard before but this time it settled inside my heart where the love of myself lives, I needed to accept that I had done this to myself.
I had ran towards Los Angeles like a prisoner escaping a jail trying to regain all I had lost but in that rush it had almost cost me everything.
"Diabetes is nothing to play with".
How often had I said that very statement to others?
I felt like I had been in a huge fight, I won but just barely.
I listened to his prescriptions of what I needed to do, and when they knew my kidneys could process the pain medications and placed prescriptions in my hand.
I just wanted to go home.
"Where is home Bonnielynn? " the devil whispers.
THIS:
I fell into bed after my long bath, I did not dream
waking early for work, the pain still a steady reminder
feeling weak,
shook it off it didn't matter I had to work.
The day was good as I forgot much about myself and took care of the babies grateful for the opportunity to help others.
I had been getting ill for weeks
as I abused my body, until it could take no more.
Making sure to hydrate myself, I went about my day.
I crashed again early last night, barely able to keep my eyes open,
waking this day morning, the pain near gone.
I can breath with out pain.
Checking my glucose a steady 110 is lighted up on the meter.
Yeah baby rock that normal level.
Looking down my phone has messages from early evening last night, sorry just too busy taking care of me to be bothered.
What people don't know serves me righteously.
Diagnosed early in teens with Diabetes, diet controlled then on insulin, I have fought for my health, and my neglect a timely warning that this life CAN be very short if pushed.
There is so much to do and see to play like this, as I start to shut off access to my heart.
I need to be alone to care for myself, I need to heal.
I will say anything for my chance at my new life.
Calling my family to inform them of what happened I listen to their concern and that hurts me deeply because again this did not need to happen yet I let it.
No, I won't go home, this is my home
I promise to do better, and I will.
Sipping my water, thinking
" Time to regroup the Irish"
I am stronger than anyone could imagine.
No one knew at the hospital just how sick I was and how I
spent my day off.
THEN:
There is just today
perhaps a tomorrow
I plan on living them both
well.
The Diary of Jane
Dark muted colors of a tag once fresh now fading daily as the city populace continues to push forward
living this life dream.
I wind my waist long curls into a spiraling braid weaving tiny gold stars throughout the soft blonde hair.
The stars and the irony are not lost as my sense of humor glints behind my eyes.
Was I once that innocent believing wanting a dream built upon a child’s imagination?
There , there don’t fear all ready for the day time to help someone I haven’t met yet because these are real meaningful the Promise I made to the Lord so long ago.
Weird:
My new weird is the public transit system because I can film the city as it is for the people who live in downtown Los Angeles.
I don’t blend although I do try keeping my headphones on blasting I don’t look at anyone directly.
This life is fucking huge exciting.
Here NOW:
We had agreed to just be friends but had growing closer as we laughed and went to activities in the city.
Started with soft kisses and pressing of a passion going to be discovered, he took his time three years quietly waiting for me .
living this life dream.
I wind my waist long curls into a spiraling braid weaving tiny gold stars throughout the soft blonde hair.
The stars and the irony are not lost as my sense of humor glints behind my eyes.
Was I once that innocent believing wanting a dream built upon a child’s imagination?
There , there don’t fear all ready for the day time to help someone I haven’t met yet because these are real meaningful the Promise I made to the Lord so long ago.
Weird:
My new weird is the public transit system because I can film the city as it is for the people who live in downtown Los Angeles.
I don’t blend although I do try keeping my headphones on blasting I don’t look at anyone directly.
This life is fucking huge exciting.
Here NOW:
We had agreed to just be friends but had growing closer as we laughed and went to activities in the city.
Started with soft kisses and pressing of a passion going to be discovered, he took his time three years quietly waiting for me .
I dream in fragments of memories of days I had forgotten
there is no fear just curiosity
as my subconscious taps my consciousness with reminders
these things I never fear.
I did not ask for the life I was given as I decided at age fourteen not to be ashamed of who my life shaped me.
I always knew I would not remain trapped inside the void of my childhood and took comfort from the hours spent in the library learning about the world I wanted to see.
Intuition :
I always had the knowing
I remember turning down a path in the forest running knowing I would find something lost
I found a baby Robin that had fallen from the nest
I held back from holding the baby bird as I knew my scent on his feathers meant death
I left the baby bird knowing his life was meant to be with his kind and if not then he would surly die.
His journey and I couldn't change it and it was not my place to grieve for a loss I did not carry.
Do you ever wonder how many life times you have lived?
Do you allow yourself to ponder ?
The very breath that you inhale?
Place a hand over your nose and mouth
you will discover the simple value of an inhale.
Exhale and peek a glimpse of your escaping soul.
This now time
is precious
The Spirit guides me and keeps me
youthful
I run the cliffs of the ocean side
feeling my body and soul gaining
new strength
Looking in on people void of any adventure
who want to dismantle my journey
I feel no challenge from them
met them all before
bitter pointless souls
who know they will never be
anything more.